For the past month or so, I've been feeling a bit nervous when it comes to relationships. It all started out as a good thing, maybe too much of a good thing. This too good-to-be-true thing is enough to make a person think. I have this odd glitch where I compulsively try looking for flaws in the good of others. Most of the time my naivety leads to others suffering or my own self-destruction. Curiosity killed the cat right? However, at times, my curiosity saves my pride, a pride where I have a challenging time letting go...even if it has been over two years. For the past three days, I have not been doing much except think. I think about the times when people say that they are happy, or when they are not. I wonder why some say they wouldn't give up on anything, when I turn around to find them eating their words. I, of course have a restless mind, unfortunately. When others tell me certain things, such as never giving up or I am not happy, I honestly take these things personally, as if they were my own words. I have this wonderful relationship going on my life, but I sometimes, maybe most of the time, do not know my place. It kills me because over time, this relation has evolved into something that I never thought I would have the privilege of experiencing. Most of the time I am misunderstood by him, I try my best to make him see problems in my light, while I view problems in his perspective. I don't understand why I read countless articles on these problems, nodding in agreement, only to find myself throwing these advice out the window when we argue. I am a hypocrite also; I give others advice on the exact problems, only to find myself stuck in my own trap. It's as if I created myself this hellhole with no way of escaping. It's almost as if I expect him to pull me out of my hellhole. I create stupid excuses and absurd situations and I never understood why. He has told me from day one that he would not give up on anything or to be specific, me. But over time I created a wall that is almost nearly impossible to crack. Maybe it is time to give up? To me, he is this perfect image of a person that would suit anyone. Trust me, he is definitely a diamond in the rough. I am this complicated person that has enough energy to make anyone go insane from my overly excessive thinking and attitude. I am highly temperamental. Controlling. Insecure. Stubborn. When it was time to end things, I refused because I know that I would not be able to find another guy like him. He had became a part of me, the best part of me. It was difficult hearing "I don't want to be with you anymore", "I am not happy", and "I've given up on you". On my behalf, I saw everything he had tried to show me these past couple of years. I selfishly persuaded him back into my arms by compromises that I know I can successfully offer. However, his words still haunt me; I think about what could have happened if I had agreed to his terms. I think about the lucky girl he would end up with next, and if it would have been better if I had not ask for him to come back. He could have a better chance of being happy again. In the beginning, I was the one who always ran away from the problems, but now I stay around to fix them. Have they backfired? Now i wonder about if I should just deal with his original untainted choices and continue to run...and run...and run once more. Can I really make him happy? How much longer do I have with him? I don't know if he was truly sincere with agreeing on continuing with me. If we don't last, he will at least learn all of the flaws in this relationship. I don't have the best attitude or the comforting tone of voice, but I can guarantee him the best of my support. I can be of some assist for him in times when he needs it most. "How may I help you?".
